Juggling and struggling with financial priorities
I worry probably too much for someone my age like various "anonymous's" have commented. And this last week has just been overwhelming aside from the trip plans falling through, some of the volunteer work and projects I'm taking on, researching some of my businesss ideas and a few others.
I'm not the oldest child in my family but I automatically take on a lot of financial worries. Sometimes I wonder why I spend time on those Fatwallet deals. Why is my family's financial priorities placed just as high as my own? It'd be really nice to talk to someone who understands. It's not that I feel alone in worrying about my family. Many other bloggers do here and some thoughts from Mapgirl.
Last weekend I stopped by Costco to stock up on some groceries for my family including soymilk ($7), stamps for the rebates ($40) and nuts for my dad ($20). I did buy myself raw almonds ($20). Thankfully I still have a lot of leftovers and I cooked a big pot of black-bean stir fry with rice. So I do have extra room in my budget for my family's grocery expenses.
Am I really helping or hurting myself by doing the rebates and buying my family's groceries every now and then? Why do I care what kinds of mutual funds my mother selects for her 401K plan. The company automatically selected the targeted retirement fund from T.Rowe Price for her - the 2020 retirement fund (98% of her portfolio), which isn't all that bad since one of the top 10 holdings is an S&P 500 index fund. She also holds the rest in a money market/stable value fund.
My dad's concerned I don't invest in myself enough. I should replace my cell phone because people on the receiving end of my calls can't hear me and that's frustrating because it's not me - it's the phone. My dad wanted to buy me a replacement at full retail price but I firmly declined. I'm buying a used one until my contract expires a year later. Sprint's got a great cell phone plan but the 2-year contract feels like jail. He thinks I should get nice clothes - most of my clothing is in pretty good condition. I just spent $20 altering all my work clothes so they really do look much better. And I found a lady who does an amazing job at a very cheap price $5-6 per item.
I just swiped on my AMEX gold $3000 worth of computer and software merchandise from Staples. That's almost 70 percent of my monthly income! My sister was reluctant to take the gamble on her card but helped me prepared all the rebates. So I'll have to add an extra buffer in my checking account to pay for the computers until the rebates arrive.
But I'll swap my own laptop with the new one since it's ligther. My laptop is still in excellent condition - almost a year old and it'll suffice for my mother's basic needs. So I'm not completely skimping on myself. But I could also use a functioning printer - I inherited my sister's bulky Epson all-in-one printer from her college days that she barely used. A tip for the wise ones - Epson printers are junk! And their customer service is terrible - they don't even have an 800 number! And their hours for tech support are 8-5 and no weekends!
People think we're wealthy - my dad makes a nice salary for a senior engineer in the Bay Area. My mother makes somewhere in the low 30s - she works in manufacturing, a job I've advocated she needs to leave for health reasons. Lately I've been overwhelmed with keeping my family's expenses to a minimum and trying to impart a little bit of wisdom on everyone.
And it's really a struggle when figuring out priorities - at the moment aside from working on rebates for that crazy laptop deal at Staples, I'm also reviewing my mom's 401K portfolio and trying to do some rough calculations on home improvements such as installing some more efficient ceiling lighting. The kitchen and other rooms are overrun by ants - a reccuring problem I've mentioned to my dad. The kitchen itself is due for a makeover - the wood is rotting and years of cooking grease is taking its toll.
I'd like to make some improvements on the house but my dad's contemplating divorce and doesn't want to sink any money in home improvements. I'm a very DIY-type of person and pretty good at following instructions. And I'm willing to help install lighting fixtures if it means everyone could live a little better, have some decent ligthing to read in the living room without using those light stands.
But I care deeply about my family which is why I'll take on the crazy rebates! As much as they drive me insane they've always been given my sister and I the best opportunities. My therapist doesn't understand why I care so much about my family (American's just don't understand Asians no matter how much they study or think they know through their limited work experience with us).
We used to live in a very unsafe neighborhood with terrible public education - most of my peers were pregnant by the time they reached 6th grade and the opportunity to be in a competitive environment were limited. So my dad moved the entire family to a more affluent area - where houses were double the price ($300K vs $100K) but with a better lifestyle. We wouldn't have to worry about the cops coming to raid the neighborhor's house for drugs (it happened twice) or the ongoing gang violence.
We went to one of the best public schoosl at a huge financial strain for my parents. My dad worked longer hours at startups trying to advance his skills and earn more. But that also meant I suffered in school so my dad scaled back on his weekday hours to tutor me in math while putting in extra hours on the weekends. And it was definitely my dad's strong work ethic and sometimes harsh words about career choices, saving and earning more money that's inspired much of my own goals and values.
I wish my parents could work through the differences in their marriage which is causing a huge financial strain. I want to be able to help them out - buy the groceries occassionally without worrying where I can draw the money, take my mom to try Afghan food and finding the best possible contact lens solution prices that my younger sister uses and paying for them with my flex spending (it was only $25).
I just wish we could be a happy family ...
I'm not the oldest child in my family but I automatically take on a lot of financial worries. Sometimes I wonder why I spend time on those Fatwallet deals. Why is my family's financial priorities placed just as high as my own? It'd be really nice to talk to someone who understands. It's not that I feel alone in worrying about my family. Many other bloggers do here and some thoughts from Mapgirl.
Last weekend I stopped by Costco to stock up on some groceries for my family including soymilk ($7), stamps for the rebates ($40) and nuts for my dad ($20). I did buy myself raw almonds ($20). Thankfully I still have a lot of leftovers and I cooked a big pot of black-bean stir fry with rice. So I do have extra room in my budget for my family's grocery expenses.
Am I really helping or hurting myself by doing the rebates and buying my family's groceries every now and then? Why do I care what kinds of mutual funds my mother selects for her 401K plan. The company automatically selected the targeted retirement fund from T.Rowe Price for her - the 2020 retirement fund (98% of her portfolio), which isn't all that bad since one of the top 10 holdings is an S&P 500 index fund. She also holds the rest in a money market/stable value fund.
My dad's concerned I don't invest in myself enough. I should replace my cell phone because people on the receiving end of my calls can't hear me and that's frustrating because it's not me - it's the phone. My dad wanted to buy me a replacement at full retail price but I firmly declined. I'm buying a used one until my contract expires a year later. Sprint's got a great cell phone plan but the 2-year contract feels like jail. He thinks I should get nice clothes - most of my clothing is in pretty good condition. I just spent $20 altering all my work clothes so they really do look much better. And I found a lady who does an amazing job at a very cheap price $5-6 per item.
I just swiped on my AMEX gold $3000 worth of computer and software merchandise from Staples. That's almost 70 percent of my monthly income! My sister was reluctant to take the gamble on her card but helped me prepared all the rebates. So I'll have to add an extra buffer in my checking account to pay for the computers until the rebates arrive.
But I'll swap my own laptop with the new one since it's ligther. My laptop is still in excellent condition - almost a year old and it'll suffice for my mother's basic needs. So I'm not completely skimping on myself. But I could also use a functioning printer - I inherited my sister's bulky Epson all-in-one printer from her college days that she barely used. A tip for the wise ones - Epson printers are junk! And their customer service is terrible - they don't even have an 800 number! And their hours for tech support are 8-5 and no weekends!
People think we're wealthy - my dad makes a nice salary for a senior engineer in the Bay Area. My mother makes somewhere in the low 30s - she works in manufacturing, a job I've advocated she needs to leave for health reasons. Lately I've been overwhelmed with keeping my family's expenses to a minimum and trying to impart a little bit of wisdom on everyone.
And it's really a struggle when figuring out priorities - at the moment aside from working on rebates for that crazy laptop deal at Staples, I'm also reviewing my mom's 401K portfolio and trying to do some rough calculations on home improvements such as installing some more efficient ceiling lighting. The kitchen and other rooms are overrun by ants - a reccuring problem I've mentioned to my dad. The kitchen itself is due for a makeover - the wood is rotting and years of cooking grease is taking its toll.
I'd like to make some improvements on the house but my dad's contemplating divorce and doesn't want to sink any money in home improvements. I'm a very DIY-type of person and pretty good at following instructions. And I'm willing to help install lighting fixtures if it means everyone could live a little better, have some decent ligthing to read in the living room without using those light stands.
But I care deeply about my family which is why I'll take on the crazy rebates! As much as they drive me insane they've always been given my sister and I the best opportunities. My therapist doesn't understand why I care so much about my family (American's just don't understand Asians no matter how much they study or think they know through their limited work experience with us).
We used to live in a very unsafe neighborhood with terrible public education - most of my peers were pregnant by the time they reached 6th grade and the opportunity to be in a competitive environment were limited. So my dad moved the entire family to a more affluent area - where houses were double the price ($300K vs $100K) but with a better lifestyle. We wouldn't have to worry about the cops coming to raid the neighborhor's house for drugs (it happened twice) or the ongoing gang violence.
We went to one of the best public schoosl at a huge financial strain for my parents. My dad worked longer hours at startups trying to advance his skills and earn more. But that also meant I suffered in school so my dad scaled back on his weekday hours to tutor me in math while putting in extra hours on the weekends. And it was definitely my dad's strong work ethic and sometimes harsh words about career choices, saving and earning more money that's inspired much of my own goals and values.
I wish my parents could work through the differences in their marriage which is causing a huge financial strain. I want to be able to help them out - buy the groceries occassionally without worrying where I can draw the money, take my mom to try Afghan food and finding the best possible contact lens solution prices that my younger sister uses and paying for them with my flex spending (it was only $25).
I just wish we could be a happy family ...
posted by SF Money Musings at
11:15 PM
7 Comments:
I really don't know what you say, except I hope one day your wish will come true. OR maybe, many many years later when you look back, you'd realise maybe your family was not unhappy.
I don't know much about you or your family, although things may not be smooth all the time, but nevertheless you guys are sticking together as a family.
And I completely agree with you - " Americans just don't understand Asian..."(or any race or culture for that matter) I believe there's really no way to really know or understand a culture, unless you were born or grew up in it. That's just how it works. You cannot develop kindred understanding from reading books, conducting research studies, or superficial enagements.
I hope your wish comes true too. I think every culture is different and have different expectations...
It's hard trying to explain it to people who aren't part of the group.
As for a cheaper cell phone, buy an unlocked one on Ebay for $30 (that's what I paid for mine), and pop out your SIM card and put it in the phone and you should be good to go. Easier than buying a brand new phone at full *gag* retail price...
Other than that, keep track of your expenses, and it sounds like you are doing a FAB job keeping on top of things and trying to help your family out.
Hang in there, chica! I'd love to say "this too, shall pass" but since I've been doing this since high school, I'm particularly sensitive to the implication that it'll just go away when you know things don't work like that. Definitely continue to pay attention to taking care of your needs amidst the family stuff, though. It's hard to keep going if you feel like you're constantly slogging along with no let-up.
For what it's worth, I completely understand. And since the compulsion comes from being Asian, you'd think that the person who ought to be doing this (the eldest) would also feel that way, but that's sure not that case for either of us, is it?
I'm sorry to hear about your family problems. I don't understand what you're going through, but I hope you're able to come to a comfortable medium some time soon.
Ironically, I'm at home with my parents on short notice because I too am helping my parents out while my mom has some surgery done...
Look deep within yourself for the right answers in ordering your priorities. Your folks sound like mine, full of mixed messages about finances. After a lot of struggling, my parents and I have reached an understanding. They want me to take care of myself since they know they aren't made of money and their opportunity for making it has passed. But they also ask me to help in financial and non-financial ways all the time that are draining. As I grow older in my relationship with them though, I am better able to express to them, without shouting (but I do resort to it), what I need and where the limits are to helping them because the last thing my folks want to do is stress me out needlessly. But that is a reaction I choose. The mitigation strategy is for me to stop freaking out at them, and for them to be reasonable in their requests. I know I cannot do everything for them, and they know I can't. (It does not help that their friends' children lavish stuff upon their parents, but I told my mom that traders who make $500K bonuses get no sleep and have ulcers. We agree that's not the way to live in happiness.)
Have you ever sat down and asked them what are their needs and priorities in order of importance? X, Y, or Z? My mom and I talk about her house and what it needs and the direction of her business all the time because without knowing what she thinks is important, I'm going to advocate the wrong thing, push her in a direction she doesn't really want to go, and in general create conflict because we aren't communicating effectively.
Everyone struggles with financial priorities with family. It's definitely tough, but maybe you'll feel better if you know you can focus on one single thing that might improve their lives? I know I'm always picking up small groceries and errands for my mom. I don't mind. But I don't pick up the check at restaurants unless it's a planned night out for us. Instead, I ask my mom what she needs big help on, like her windows, and I help out on that by giving her exactly the amount I tell her I can give. (That was still a bad conversation, but at least now I don't have to pay for stuff I can't really afford that's not even on my own home.)
Hope this helps. And you are very right, most Americans can't understand the level of filial piety expected from Asian-born parents. But that's where us Asian-American PF bloggers can help, right? (Perhaps I should start an online support group?)
Thanks everyone for the advice and tips! I really appreciate it and I just have to be a little more careful before going crazy and charging everything they need when I'm asked to pick up something.
Mapgirl: I haven't sat down and talked to my parents about their needs and priorities. But I will definitely make it a priority when I'm home next time.
I have to disagree with the statement: "Americans just don't understand Asian...(or any race or culture for that matter)".
I am 100% American (born/raised here).
The simple fact of the matter is that things can appear one way, when in fact they are another.
My parent's finances were/are horrible. However they did instill in me an extremely strong family oriented value. So much so that we have pitched in financially when they couldn't afford a roof replacement, or other things (i.e. I gave them a vehicle we could not use anymore and were replacing). We never give them cash, or they will spend it frivolously.
And they have their house paid off, with a very small property tax - well in comparison to mine.
We also didn't grow up where there were shootings either.
PS: Don't forget most of the population of the U.S. did NOT originate in this country. Most of us have roots in other countries.
Have a great day!
Financial priorities since the caveman days:
1) Roof over head
2) Food in your stomach
As an example you mentioned your mother is earning $30k/yr:
If you live in San Diego, the hourly blue-collar pay is only $36k/yr, and the average white-collar pay is only $52,000 (http://www.bls.gov/ro9/ncspsand.htm)
And the average U.S. pay is about $41,600 according to this PDF - http://www.bls.gov/ncs/ocs/sp/ncbl0910.pdf).
You can do your own research on their website http://www.bls.gov/webapps/legacy/cpswktab1.htm
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