Repairing relationships and the lessons I've learned
One of my new year's goals was to fix and repair broken relationships, particularly with my father.
My dad and I had a huge falling out because I was stubborn, stupid and unwilling to ask for help. In college my dad said to be practical and asked me if I seriously wanted to pursue journalism. I gave all my reasons - martyr (it's a long story) and tell the untold stories because I'm comfortable talking to strangers and hearing their life stories. I had a tough time finding a journalism job in the area because clearly there's a monopoly in newspaper ownership.
I accepted my first job in a rural town for $14/hour. It was tough to make ends meet because I had car expenses, insurance and affordable groceries ironically was limited. Long story short I was a great reporter but a terrible writer. And my editor didn't want to continue investing time into editing my work because it wasn't fair to my coworkers who were stronger writers. So we agreed to a voluntary separation and I had no choice but to move back home and accept defeat. I moved in with my grandparents because I was embarrassed to admit to my father I wasn't quite skilled.
We didn't speak for almost a year until I moved to SF and managing my own money and living independently.
So slowly I started to initiate conversation - something more substantial than "hi." We talked about my job, freelancing and my salary. I started to see my dad not as the enemy but as my biggest ally.
After expressing my interest in international business my dad was thrilled. He said we all need to earn a healthy salary that doesn't force us to scrape the bottom of the barrel. My dad is my biggest cheerleader. He has complete faith I'll succeed and that means so much given our rocky relationship.
My dad encouraged me to seek out and carve out a niche in business. He even offered to fund some coursework but I declined the gracious offer.
What did I learn from dad?
- Money can afford you a better lifestyle - you can eat a variety of foods and cuisines, you can take classes that are interesting such as art and photography and most importantly you'll have more flexibility to save and invest.
- Making more money doesn't mean spending it carelessly or frivolously. My dad didn't advocate getting a $60K job just to buy a fancy car or expensive clothes. He emphasized spending carefully.
- It's okay to ask for help financially to invest in my future as long as there's a clear and logical rate of return. My dad wasn't sure what kind of financial shape I was in until I explained how I've funded my ROTH and 401K. But he said if I needed money to take classes all I had to do was ask.
- Don't nickle and dime yourself to death with being frugal. My dad thinks I'm too frugal. I'm sure he wouldn't condone the taking leftovers because the food won't freeze or taste good long-term. He gave me $100 this month so I could go out and enjoy a nice meal and treat myself.
- It's every man for himself in the real world. Networking and building connections is crucial to future job opportunities. But don't forget continuing education to sharpen your skills. No one will give you more money. You have to ask and prove what you're worth.
- Never settle for just doing a job. Some people will disagree with this point. My dad said some people just want to get by, work a 9-5 job and get wasted. But there's a lot to gain from taking on challenging projects and seeking out opportunities to advance. Even though my dad's in his late 40s with a senior tech position at a large company he's always asking for more responsibility and challenging projects. He could sit back and push paper. Instead he wants to bring value and avoid being on the receiving end of pink slips if push comes to shove.
My dad's doing so much to help with my job search. I've said "thank you" a million times. And it's really his encouraging words and reminders to keep my spirits up high that keeps me from locking myself in a bathroom stall and crying. I'm so thankful my family is willing to put up with me.
My dad and I had a huge falling out because I was stubborn, stupid and unwilling to ask for help. In college my dad said to be practical and asked me if I seriously wanted to pursue journalism. I gave all my reasons - martyr (it's a long story) and tell the untold stories because I'm comfortable talking to strangers and hearing their life stories. I had a tough time finding a journalism job in the area because clearly there's a monopoly in newspaper ownership.
I accepted my first job in a rural town for $14/hour. It was tough to make ends meet because I had car expenses, insurance and affordable groceries ironically was limited. Long story short I was a great reporter but a terrible writer. And my editor didn't want to continue investing time into editing my work because it wasn't fair to my coworkers who were stronger writers. So we agreed to a voluntary separation and I had no choice but to move back home and accept defeat. I moved in with my grandparents because I was embarrassed to admit to my father I wasn't quite skilled.
We didn't speak for almost a year until I moved to SF and managing my own money and living independently.
So slowly I started to initiate conversation - something more substantial than "hi." We talked about my job, freelancing and my salary. I started to see my dad not as the enemy but as my biggest ally.
After expressing my interest in international business my dad was thrilled. He said we all need to earn a healthy salary that doesn't force us to scrape the bottom of the barrel. My dad is my biggest cheerleader. He has complete faith I'll succeed and that means so much given our rocky relationship.
My dad encouraged me to seek out and carve out a niche in business. He even offered to fund some coursework but I declined the gracious offer.
What did I learn from dad?
- Money can afford you a better lifestyle - you can eat a variety of foods and cuisines, you can take classes that are interesting such as art and photography and most importantly you'll have more flexibility to save and invest.
- Making more money doesn't mean spending it carelessly or frivolously. My dad didn't advocate getting a $60K job just to buy a fancy car or expensive clothes. He emphasized spending carefully.
- It's okay to ask for help financially to invest in my future as long as there's a clear and logical rate of return. My dad wasn't sure what kind of financial shape I was in until I explained how I've funded my ROTH and 401K. But he said if I needed money to take classes all I had to do was ask.
- Don't nickle and dime yourself to death with being frugal. My dad thinks I'm too frugal. I'm sure he wouldn't condone the taking leftovers because the food won't freeze or taste good long-term. He gave me $100 this month so I could go out and enjoy a nice meal and treat myself.
- It's every man for himself in the real world. Networking and building connections is crucial to future job opportunities. But don't forget continuing education to sharpen your skills. No one will give you more money. You have to ask and prove what you're worth.
- Never settle for just doing a job. Some people will disagree with this point. My dad said some people just want to get by, work a 9-5 job and get wasted. But there's a lot to gain from taking on challenging projects and seeking out opportunities to advance. Even though my dad's in his late 40s with a senior tech position at a large company he's always asking for more responsibility and challenging projects. He could sit back and push paper. Instead he wants to bring value and avoid being on the receiving end of pink slips if push comes to shove.
My dad's doing so much to help with my job search. I've said "thank you" a million times. And it's really his encouraging words and reminders to keep my spirits up high that keeps me from locking myself in a bathroom stall and crying. I'm so thankful my family is willing to put up with me.
posted by SF Money Musings at
12:24 AM
3 Comments:
Thanks for posting that story. I'm glad to hear that you've patched things up with your father. He seems like such a great, supportive person, and it's always nice to know that no matter what happens, your parents will always be there to love and support you.
It's great to hear that you and your father could forgive and forget.
I liked the 6 things you learned from your dad. I struggle with #6, since I have a cushy job consulting right now and don't have to push myself at all.
Stay close to family. Having gone through some intense family stuff surrounding a recent death in the family, I can tell you that you will never be sorry to keep your family close to you.
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