What does it take to grow ...

I always wait until a few days before a class or training opportunity to ask my boss. The thought of asking makes me tremble and quiver. I get super emotional - on high anxiety because I can just visualize the answer will be "no," just like it's always been the last 3 years.

Despite what I know is true I still ask even if it means my pride is at stake or even worse that I seem annoying. Why annoying? Some might say I'm ambitious, over-achiever-type and way too curious or enthusiastic. There's some truth in the ambition part. But I'd describe my ambition as a desire to learn, grow, be challenged and take charge of a project and execute it successfully. I have no desire to use my ambition for evil gain or for purely satanical reasons. I have no interest in boasting or envy - just pure knowledge gain.

And for the enthusiasm and curiosity parts? Well for enthusiasm and curiosity that's who I am. I'm curious about how things work - I like to demystify the science behind how things are made. Sure I can just be a QA person and do my work accurately and mindlessly but what good is that? It's terrible. I'm sitting there for 8 hours a day - what's the point of being unaware of the impact my work?

So I asked in a general, vague and round about way. The worst part? I was standing up instead of sitting because I wasn't sure if my boss was allowing me the time to sit down and have a chat. I did ask him a few days ago if we could talk on this particular day. But my voice sounded unusually high because I was nervous. I practiced in the bathroom mirror and felt fine until I had to face the reality.

Is this just a female thing - the emotional part? My sister says it's a female thing because women are trained to be submissive and obedient. And for them to advocate for themselves is very stressful and draining.

Well I asked and my boss said there was no money. I was nearly on the verge of tears and ready to crumble to the floor in frustration. I offered to forego my pitiful 2.4% raise just for the chance to attend a class or a seminar. I framed it as a way of benefiting the company, to grow our talent not just as data-entry people but people with certifications who could provide additional consulting services ... not in those exact words (bad!) but the general idea. But mainly I wanted an opportunity to learn and grow ... I said that too (bad!).

My boss responded by saying he knows where the feeling comes from and double checked my pay raise went through the system. Does he know where the feeling comes from? I hate when people say they know. You can't really "know," unless you're in that very same position asking for a chance, anything just to see what ideas you can offer.

I'm tired of sitting at a desk all day and looking at numbers. Isn't 3 years enough to prove my loyalty, dedication and commitment? I have no answers nor do I understand the system or the structure. People email me asking if I can get them a job with the company telling me it's their top choice for employment ...

So what does it take to grow, to learn and be rewarded with opportunities? Maybe it's still the good-ole boy system that I can never fit into ... I've shared what I've learned from taking the exam a second time with my boss - sending detailed notes, emails I get from corporate's free training course over the web or taking out my notebook and showing all the different markings I've made. So now what?

Talking about money in social situations

Sometime last year I borrowed Jack Canfield's "The Success Principles," at the library on audiotape. It wasn't an intended choice but it caught my eye as I was actively trying to learn.

One of those principles (can't remember the number) said something like to feel more comfortable hanging around people with more money, spend like they do. It was the principle he shared on buying an expensive shirt at Nordstroms so he could feel like the person he wanted to be. Maybe I have it backwards but it was something along that lines ...

So when I attend a networking function or meet friends I make sure my appearance is more than just decent. I go the extra mile to pick out outfits and shoes (ditching flip flops) so it doesn't seem obvious.

But the instant someone says something that even hints about saving money, being frugal or thrifty I slightly clam up and quickly reframe their response into a positive thing. I'm usually comfortable within my own circle but it's outsiders I fear their reaction the most.

A couple of my friends have asked me how much I make including bonus and salary increases. They asked if I was under or above $50K. I told one person under and they were shocked. They said it was impossible to live well under $50K in the Bay Area. Another friend was shocked I don't get a bonus saying it must be hard to live without a lot of money.

I went to tour a company's facilities last week. A really nice person at a networking function invited me to come and see how everything I studied looks in person at a real place. My contact arranged for someone else to host me since a prior commitment came up. The host asked me where I lived and in which neighborhood. He said the area's really expensive and asked me if I had roommates. He said roommates help defray the cost of living in the Bay Area. I panicked instantly and responded too quickly that roommates teach you how to deal with all kinds of people and it's fun (not really!).

Why do I feel so uncomfortable at the slightest comment about where I live and how I pay to live in such an expensive area? I worry that people will find out I make $30K a year ... I don't look like it and I certainly don't scream "poor."

How does one respond appropriately in social functions and networking to comments about where I live and why I live with roommates?

I wrote this post a few weeks ago and let it simmer so I could refine it and craft a stronger succint title.

What do we have in common?

I love reading about other pf 20-something blogs and their stories. Maybe I'm just not motivated or have nothing of particular interest to share. Mostly I feel I have little in common with most of you out there.

- I make $30K with no bonus and barely noticeable pay increases

- I'm single, not in a relationship, attached or seeing anyone

- Semi-hardcore local food eater and spends most of my time perusing farmers markets or dreaming of ways to be more conscious consumer - avoid buying clothes or stuff

- Rarely buy junk on food

- Practice meditation and mindfulness daily

- Kind of a tight-wad, prefer cooking vs eating out, trying to keep outside meals to special occasions or unique restaurants

Maybe a break will help. Maybe we do have something in common. Even though we are different what brings us together is the ultimate goal of saving for retirement, vacation or that big purchase?

I'm going to chew on that ...



-

Peace with every journey

I'm not sure what to do with this blog. I've been asking a few of my blog friends including the GradGirl and Beancounter how much time we spend writing here, what our goals with these blogs are and why be anonymous.

There's a lot of debate in the
<"http://ben.casnocha.com/2009/06/dont-hold-back-or-water-down-your-thoughts.html#comments>blog world">/a> about that topic.

I write anonymously because my own personal values (being frugal, somewhat of a tightwad by not buying stuff, not wasting resources, and other stuff) are the complete opposites of my personality (I sometimes feel fake having to hide parts of myself but that's the name of the game). So I would feel a bit weird writing about this stuff under my real name!

But I'm going to focus on writing about what I learn here. That seems to come naturally because it really is write what you know. Thanks Monica!

I've been on two major trips last month - Chicago and San Diego. My excuse for the former was fun. No reason though I really just wanted to meet the GradGirl, my old roommate and another friend from building homes in New Orleans last year. Only the first happened.

The great thing about these trips is how much clarity, insight and peace you gain. Over lunch with the GradGirl I picked her brain about careers, career/job plateau, relationships, friendships based on status and blogging.

I've tried very hard to earn more money at my job. It's just not going to happen. I earned the maximum pay increase of 2.4% this year. It barely covers my rent increase let alone cost of living and other expenses which I try hard to keep to a minimum. To earn more money I have to leave for a competitor. The company isn't going to increase my pay for internal transfers (applied for a few internal openings, same pay). So in my frustration I asked the GradGirl what am I supposed to do at the end of the day knowing all of this. She shared this line: "all you can do is all you can do," via Dave Ramsey. It gave me so much peace and calmed my nerves. For the last three years I couldn't earn more than $30K at my job and no room to advance bothered me heavily. I felt trapped and fearful I wouldn't grow. I couldn't sleep many nights then. On occasion this lack of advancement and pay increases still keeps me up at night. I don't think anyone in college prepared for me this experience.

But back to peace with each journeys.

In Chicago I gained additional friends with each destination. At the art gallery the guy sitting nearby befriended me and invited me to hang out post-show with his friends at the bar. They shared with me thoughts on co-op living, growing your own food and their humanitarian activities.

So I'm shifting my priorities into crafty projects, turning clutter to cash (taking clothes I kept from the swaps to sell), playing the violin in wedding gigs ($25 for 10 mins) but most importantly passing the stupid test I keep telling myself I can't pass. I really believe passing the test, getting my certifications and learning about the business will help me branch out on my own. I'd like to use my knowledge and skills in that area to teach countries how they can develop their own self-sustaining economy and build stronger regional partners.

Last weekend I hopped on the plane headed for San Diego to meet the Beancounter. We shared similar passions for eating well, local eating, anti-sweatshops and being thrifty. And for the longest time I wanted to meet and learn more about her passions.

What really amazed me was how eclectic her home looked, her healthy cooking, passion for eating locally and sustainable and the books she reads! She and Mr. BeanCounter are very logical and practical. She didn't waste food including turning the radish leaves into an amazing pesto. Her homemade bread along with roasted potatoes, tofu scramble and homemade yogurt was the best meal I've had in a long time. She reuses plastic bags, recycles and doesn't like shopping. She's a tightwad but also knows when something fits perfectly that it's a buy.

We ran the first 10 miles of the RnR Marathon in San Diego together. I'm so grateful she and her husband hosted, cooked and were so open/honest about their money philosophy and eating habits. It made the beginning of the race a lot easier to bear!

The Beancounter motivated and inspired me to invest in myself. I'm going to attempt to make my own yogurt. And get back into the bread making. My parents have a sewing machine I'll lug to the apt and try a few things. I'm hoping to set aside a regular schedule for dance classes when I have my full energy back. The marathon left me feeling unusually exhausted mentally and physically.

I'm in awe at what each trip teaches. I know the money and job situation will improve with time. So I will practice patience and mindfulness for now.

Life much improved

I've run out of things to say. Studying several hours a day left me with no other creative personal finance musings.

So I decided to take Monica O'Brien's tip from her blog - Twenty Set and write about what I learned.

My outlook is a lot more positive, stronger, happier, mellow and most importantly stable! I put all my energy and time the last few months into my studies in hopes of passing dreaded test. Unofficially I likely missed 3 too many past the cut-off. So I will be dragging myself back to the exam in October. And it will be my last time!

I credit therapy, wonderful neighbors in the apt complex, neighborhood and work, Twitter friends and blogging. Specifically I owe a lovely woman I met through a tweetup last year. We carpooled over to a Hindu retreat center in Marin one afternoon. There I discovered mindfulness and meditation. For the first time I cried in front of a random stranger about how I felt stuck in a job with no growth and didn't value my desire/curiosity to learn. I cried about how my parents were driving me crazy and how my grandpa was in the hospital and I couldn't do a damn thing.

So I made a renewed effort to find some joy in my job. I started talking to neighboring companies in the office, striking up conversation with people in the building and exploring new activities. It was these efforts that have helped me expand my network professionally and personally.

My grandpa's passing last year also forced me to get my act together. I had a new appreciation for family, friends, life and experiences without spending money. When I started this blog I was angst-filled at times, depressed and mad at the world for not earning a decent wage or getting job offers that didn't compromise "life energy," (no 2 1/2 hour commutes). I'm calmer, mellower, quieter, observer and someone who loves life.

On Friday I ended up hanging outside a new art gallery in my neighborhood and staying until closing. I met all kinds of hippie-esque writers, poets, artists and the beatnik type. One of those hippies lives down the street from me and I helped him out at the Pagan Festival in Berkeley this weeekend. I helped him sell a few books, provide some ideas on getting his book selling online and in return learned about an interesting new culture - Pagans and exchanged ideas on optimal diets.

I'm far from perfect but I'm 10 times more conscientious and mindful about what I eat and how I present myself to people. People based on first impressions have described me as mindful, positive and generous. It's made an impact!

I also discovered there's no stigma attached to going out alone. My close-friends have moved away and the friends in the area are either attached, not interested or a bit older. Two weeks ago I tried as many of the free dance classes during the weekday as possible. National Dance Week rocks. You get to try a variety of cultural dances for free, have fun, burn some calories, meet new people and free yourself of any pre-conceived notions of what could possibly happen. I got over my fear a week later.

I don't want to keep making $30K a year and continue with this job. I want to be challenged and continue learning and growing at a place that compensates me for my skills. But in the meantime I'm making do by not buying clothes - 3 months and counting ... hopefully I'll keep the momentum going until the year-end. I'm also taking advantage of all the fun, free and cheap activities.

But I do have regrets. My mom and I don't speak much. I try but she doesn't want help or even listen. I wish for the mother who loved to cook, braid my hair or go on walks with me after dinner and just talk. But I guess after 20 some years of a bad marriage and abuse she can't really do much. I miss and think of my grandpa often. Mostly I wish to have a family similar to ones I've seen while visiting friends or even the lovely janitor who invited me to her home this weekend.

In the meantime I'll just focus on doing my best, practicing meditation and mindfulness.

I bought the I Will Teach You to be Rich book

along with Seth Godin's "Tribes," and "Detachment: The Art of Letting Go,"

I rarely buy books lately except ones I use for reference over and over again such as "Nothing to wear." I really shouldn't be buying more books considering I still have some from the used book sale last year on understanding the markets. But I caved ...

I don't expect this book will change anything except serve as an important reminder. But I saw the offer for a conference call to talk about careers, entrepreneurship and other topics with Ramit and Ben Casnocha which peaked my curiosity. I was going to buy 2 copies and a filler item (see above book "Detachment") until I Seth Godin's email about the invitation to join the Ning community by buying "Tribes." It's scary how a simple post can motivate me to quickly push a button and buy something. And I'd rather buy books or something useful instead of something disposable such as clothes.

But these books will serve as good investments, resources and tools to optimize my finances and force me to put more of my ideas into action. I'm not an alcoholic and I needed a filler item so I chose that one. My therapist reminds me reciting the serenity prayer can be helpful in difficult times. And so I thought this book might be another good addition to meditation and calming techniques alcoholics use to cope.

A full review to come in a few weeks ( book will ship in 9 days even with super saver shipping.) So I spent $27.63 ... not a budgeted item but I'll consider an early birthday gift to myself.

How many times can we fail?

My mind lately is racing at a million miles per second. There's a lot I'm thinking about especially as I sit for the certification exam a second time. The test is coming up in early April! I've spent close to $600 on books, supplies and the registration fee. That's not chump change.

There's one portion of the exam that's worth 25%. It's also my weakest section as I have no experience with matching product descriptions and their respective codes on a regular basis. Studying with classmates has helped enormously but I'm not completely confident and feel like this is a really rough spot of the test to tackle.

My study strategy has changed significantly this time around. I've incorporated additional techniques and gained stronger insight into certain areas. But I'm still scoring 60% and I need 75% to pass. So it's been a depressing last few days. I cry almost every time I grade my practice exams. I'm not making the grade. And I'm so hard on myself.

I've started to ask myself what happens if I don't pass a second time. I don't have a backup plan or career. And I love the industry because it offers me a chance to see and learn about the world.

But I'm not sure if I can handle the disappointment and failure. I know one girl gave up after two tries. The girl sitting next to me in class is going for a third time. She's determined this is the final straw.

How does one handle failure and disappointment with something they pour a lot of time, effort and energy? Do we just lick our wounds and call it quits? I wish there were some clearer answers. I don't mind the studying but I so badly just want to hop in a car and drive somewhere without a plan. I need a short getaway.